George has been a fantastic support over the last year and I don’t think I would be on this journey without him. George and I do have a 24 year age difference but age knows no limits. I am an old soul and he is young at heart – a PERFECT match if you ask me. I have always gone for older men. I have never been interested in men my own age or anywhere near my age, to be honest the smallest age gap was 12 years. This man has everything I need and want and most importantly he loves me, the real me. Not the person I was or who “her” had create. He saw through all of it and saw how I was being treated and opened my eyes to the abuse. It all came to light on a family holiday when James and I had a typical brother and sister disagreement. George didn’t agree with the way “her” had reacted and sat in silence much to her disgust, she wanted him to chastise me for what had happened, I would go as far as to say she wanted him to parent me! This was the start of my journey when I realised I needed to break free or as she would refer to it “running away”. So yes I am a rebellious runner. But this wasn’t the first time I had run. Thank you George for being you!
James loved sunflowers, we spent last summer trying to grow 50 of them and we managed to have 2 survivors. It was our thing. James was 10+ years younger than me. I treated him as my own son and of course this didn’t matter to her, she was quite happy for it to be that way but if anyone suggested it was that way there would be hell to pay. So yes, sunflowers. Because they were his favourite, they must automatically be mine…wrong. I wasn’t allowed to be my own person so when anyone asked me what flowers I liked I just said sunflowers as a stock answer when in fact I like tulips. This is part of my self discovery. I have been told for 23 years what I like and what I don’t like and I have played no part or a very little part in this decision. So I start with the type of flowers I like and that answer is tulips.
So I will say goodnight to day one. But, those of you who are sufferers or who have suffered will know all too well that when you say “Goodnight” it seems to trigger the overthinking and you can certainly wave goodbye to those sweet dreams you wish you could have. When my head hits the pillow I want it to swallow me up and take me away from reality. Reality is, when my head hits that pillow it is like hitting solid ground and the silence hits me. Every breath I hear feels like an earthquake. I start counting my breaths which then leads on to me counting how many times “her” has used words to hurt me then how many times “her” has physically hurt me and before I know it I’m sweating and shaking. And the cycle starts again… 1 breath, 2 breath and 3 breath…
So I will say hang in there!
After having a discussion with my Partner, George, about my life and how you couldn’t write it! He agreed and suggested I probably should write about it. This is a full uncut version of my daily life and my journey of self discovery. Don’t get me wrong there will be some utterly boring days but bear with meand it will get pretty interesting!
So the main characters of this story are:
“her” – my “mum” who is a narcissistic parent.
Nick – my dad, He is “her” enabler and is not my biological father.
James – my brother – Unfortunately I have limited contact with as he is only 11.
George – my partner, my saviour and my rock!
Eve – my nan – “her” mother – hasn’t disowned me.
These are the main ones but if there’s anyone else I’ll introduce them along the way!
Thanks for joining me! – Millie Gray
Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton