Dear Little Fighter

I know how you’re feeling. You’re afraid. You’re scared that you won’t be able to surpass this. You’re terrified that you will never feel happy again. Suddenly doing your job and everything that you once found easy to do is incredibly difficult. Zoning out at your computer screen is a common occurrence. You can’t get through the workday without visiting the people at work who you can depend on. You can’t make decisions. You can’t eat. You can’t sleep. You feel alone. Even when you are with George you feel alone. You are drowning in your own thoughts. They flood your ears and you can’t hear the people around you. Everything is a blur. You don’t know who your friends are and if you even have any. You can’t even cry yourself to sleep because sleeping is a rare occasion. You used to be blissfully happy. Every little thing bugs you and you have trouble finding your place. I know it’ll take time. But it will be okay. I promise. Feelings are temporary, please remember this. What you’re feeling now will NOT be what you’re feeling always! I only wish you could see yourself as others see you! I wish I had a magic wand to wave that would make all your insecurities go away forever! Focus on now and climbing up that ladder. Don’t lose hope because little fighter, things will get brighter. Love, Your Future Self.

Nick called me.

I received a phone call from my dad whilst I was on holiday. He called me and when I answered he put the phone down, normally I would have either called him straight back or waited for him to call again. However, this time my gut feeling told me there was something a miss, he wouldn’t risk calling me just to say hi. I sent him a text asking if everything was okay, with a minute my phone started to ring. I answered and he said hello, immediately I knew he had been crying. “She’s had another one of her episodes again, you know how it is…I don’t think I can carry on Millie. I slept in the garage last night, she started hitting me and screaming at me because I didn’t light the bbq how she would have done…” my heart sank. She was breaking him. “I have been looking for somewhere to live, a flat or a B&B to stay in…” his voice was breaking as he was trying to hold back the tears. I asked him how James was he confirmed he was OK although, she had raged at him the weekend previous. “He hates her, he wants to leave. He asked me if we get divorced could he live with me…” I am shaking at this point, I feel completely helpless. She had raged at him, physically and verbally, then expected him to go to the cinema with family friends and live up to the happy family image she puts on. The call lasted for 5minutes. He was in tears when he hung up. Completely broken. I didn’t know what to say or what I could do to help him. He needs to escape, he needs to take James and live the life they deserve. She isn’t stable, I can see it, her mother can see it and finally my dad is coming to realise. I haven’t contacted my dad since returning from my holiday. I went to see his parents today. They are concerned about him, they see how he has changed. He is scared of his own shadow, he is constantly walking on eggshells. He has to lie to cover his tracks. She doesn’t like my dad seeing his parents.

I haven’t gone AWOL!

Sorry for the lack of blogs recently. I have had a very busy few weeks preparing for my first holiday abroad (other than America but, it was -8 that doesn’t count!) and organising my work life ensuring I do not return to pandemonium…easier said than done!

All will be back to usual from the 23rd May…I have so much to tell you about!

Nick.

I spoke to my dad today. Those are words I didn’t think I would type so soon, I thought there was more chance of me making contact with my biological father!

My nan had given me the heads up that she had spoken to him yesterday. He expressed that he wanted to call me but was scared, he didn’t want “her” to find out because the repercussions would be dreadful.

I am not trying to punish my dad, he never intentionally tried to hurt me. The hurt was caused by the lack of defence against “her”.

My nan text me to say that my ex “best friend” and “her” had gone shopping together – leaving my dad alone.

I called him immediately, after blocking my own number. We spoke for 5 minutes.

He sounded so nervous, but happy to hear from me. I told him how happy I was and how I was finally getting a grasp on life, and living the life I needed. He said he knew there was no other way for me to get out. He asked a couple of questions and I answered truthfully. The questions were down to the poisonous words used by “her” that were manipulations of the truth. He said he was happy as long as I was happy. I asked if James was ok, he said he will be. Apparently it’s been hard to deal with “her” and the rages are vicious, my dad is taking the brunt of it. We ended the call on good terms, I said I loved him and he said it back.

A part of regrets it. My dad will be on edge for the next few days. He will probably get accused of many things by “her”, “you’re having an affair”, “you’re hiding money”, “you’re being devious” and it will probably end by her having a rage and my dad will end up telling a lie to cover it up “ I have booked a mini break for your birthday”,  “I am just worried about where the money is going, you are shopping a lot”…. This isn’t how a normal family behaves.

You shouldn’t ever be afraid of speak to your daughter.

He allowed “her” to treat me the way she did. But, now he is taking the full force to protect his only son. I forgive him.

An Open Letter to “her”

Dear “her”,

I have written, edited, deleted, and rewritten this about five times now, struggling to find the right words. It is all too complicated and to find the right words is difficult. Here goes:

There is something I need to say and you are not going to like it. I wish I had said it so long ago, but I was scared.

Yes, scared of your violent temper, toxic words and discomforting glares. I wasn’t the only one who was scared of you; Dad, James, Nan and even your friends.

You saw yourself as a loving person who took care of everything and everyone and that you did no wrong.

You took care of our physical needs. We had food on the table, clothes to wear and a roof over our heads. *

You never took care of my feelings. There was no understanding, no compassion and no empathy from you.

I didn’t have the right to be myself or to have my own feelings and thoughts. It was always about you and you had to be right even if you were so wrong. I had to comply or do as you said just to have an illusion of peace.

You wanted to always help, but that came with a price. Helping meant being owned by you. You were suffocating and dangerous.

I loved my dad, even though you had control of him and there was no way he could ever defend me. I can’t say I feel the same towards you.

I understand now that you were screwed. Unhappy and sick in your own head. But I can’t be sympathetic towards this, you have caused too much pain, misery and heartache.

You were jealous, envious and hateful towards your friends and me, your daughter.

I still feel deep pain from the rejection, criticism and bullying. I still feel sick when I think of your irrational reactions and violence. I still feel stupid, ugly and never good enough.

Why couldn’t you just love me?

Why did abusing people who loved you come so easy to you?

I hate you for mistreating my brother and my dad and your attempt to turn me into another you.

You were close to success, but I woke up and ran.

I am working hard to find the real me. The person I should have been.

I will never forget, and I will never forgive.

………………………………………………………………………….

*the food was takeaways mostly. For me, at least, the clothes were her hand-me-downs. I got into debt buying clothes for “her” and my brother, making sure he had school shoes and clothes that were actually trendy and fit him. The roof was provided by my dad, not her, she has never paid a house bill in her life.

James: Version 2

This wasn’t going to be my next blog post but, due to a phone call I received today, I thought I should write about it. Cleanse my mind.

As I was sat at my desk in the office his name appeared on my phone, my heart missed a beat. I felt delighted and then I felt a sense of dread. I said hello, no answer just heavy breathing. My concern grew. Then I heard his voice, he wanted to know what I was doing and if I could play a game, I explained I couldn’t as I was working. He was talking nonsense for a few minutes, I didn’t end the call because I wanted to hear his voice. His tone changed and that’s when I started to feel anxious. “You’re a SLUT.” Not the words I expected to hear from an 11-year-old. I asked him where he had learnt that from? “my high school friends” …” you’re a slut you’ve ran away with 3 old men…” “he’s 25 years older than you, let me work that out, yeah…he’s a pervert creep!” all in quick succession the verbal attack had happened. I said I didn’t want to hear it and that it’s not true, I had no choice but to put the phone down. I felt shaky and sick, I called my nan to tell her what had happened and how I just knew “her” would be behind it all.  I then walked over to one of my colleagues and my phone started to ring once again, it was him. My colleague answered and explained that she was my manager and that I was at work and that he shouldn’t call me whilst I am at work because it causes distress. He was shouting down the phone at her. My heart was racing, I felt cold to the bone.

My nan then phoned me to tell me she had a phone call from “her” to tell her that she was going to call the police and put it on Facebook what had happened and that my number was now blocked on his phone, a phone that I pay monthly for I must add. This was after my brother had ran to her in tears. I can’t explain in words how I currently feel. I am scared of what she may do next. A post has been put on Facebook, a relative has sent me a screenshot. “There is something very wrong with this world when a 23-year-old woman/child gets pleasure and attention from upsetting an 11-year-old boy.”  Once again it was all turned onto me, my nan told me that “her” kept saying it was all my fault not his, he is only an innocent child. Even now she can still have such an effect on me that makes me contemplate the point of my existence. Why am I here? Why did she even have me? What is the point in all this pain?

I have made the decision to cancel his phone contract and I’m going to speak to the police so they are aware. I shouldn’t be scared to leave my own home.

I just wish I could move away, get a new identity, and start a whole new life with George.

I have now accepted, maybe he won’t come back to me in the end.

Spring (Is it really?)

Let’s start with the things I LOVE about Spring:

·        Flowers blooming

·        Lambs bouncing around in the fields

·        The smell of freshly cut grass

·        The warm sun, the cool breeze

·        The bumble bees

·        The lighter nights

·        Salads are an acceptable food option

So a few things I dislike:

·        Hay fever

·        People thinking it’s a lot warmer than it actually is – shorts/flip flops/no tops…

·        Those grey days when you look out of the window and your mood drops – rain and fog it is!

·        Spring means Summer isn’t too far away – damn I knew I should have started on the summer body months ago!

My favourite seasons are Spring and Autumn – the birth and the death of the year.

I was told by “her” that I didn’t like the warm weather and my favourite season is Winter. I was also informed I wouldn’t enjoy a summer holiday to somewhere hot. So, in 4 weeks I am going away, on a “warmer than the UK” holiday.

I have purchased bikinis, dresses, sandals, a sun hat and I am feeling like a new person already. Just seeing them ready to be packed away lifts my mood. Who knows how I will feel, I may dislike the sun or the endless sunbathing and swimming but, then again, I may enjoy it and want to move there! You have to put yourself out there and try new things, and Spring is the perfect time. Forget “new year, new me” the majority of us give up before the end of the 1st week. Try Spring for creating any resolutions, you have the lighter nights and lighter mornings for motivation.

As I am writing this I am looking out of the office window, it is grey and raining. Not at all Spring like. I have just had my salad for lunch and instead of gossiping about Janice from Resourcing or Bill from the Post room I am writing this – That shows how committed I am.