Should I feel guilty?

Probably best to start with a summary of what has happened since September…

George and I are stronger than ever, we are planning something very special for 2019! I am no longer taking medication. Yes, you read that correctly. I have taken control of both my mental and physical health. I am using my coping strategies and I am no longer afraid to admit when things get too much and its time for me to take a step back. 

I have met up with my Dad, K, 3-4 times since our first meeting and I am so grateful to have him in my life and to be accepted into his family.

I am now 11 months into No Contact with “her”, I feel that I made the correct decision despite other people’s opinions. My relationship with my Nan is unstable at the moment, it hurts. But, I need her to accept and understand my situation. My Nan only wants to see the best in her daughter when it suits her. However, my uncle has now also cut all contact with “her” and he struggles to comprehend how my Nan cannot see what her daughter is.

Not wanting to go into too much detail. One of George’s parents is currently having medical problems, which in turn is emotionally trying for both of us. Today we got some news that I wanted to share with my Nan, so I called her. All I got in response to my update was…

“Your mother is very ill, she is on tablets…”

Now, what do I do with this? 

Do I say to my Nan that I forgive and forget everything that has happened and I will be by “her” side as soon as possible? – Nans wish. OR Do I say to my Nan that I hope it isn’t too serious for my brother’s sake? Then tell her I feel no more sympathy towards “her” than I would a stranger and reiterate the situation? – This is what I did.

Now, I am sat at my desk feeling a huge weight of guilt. 

My feelings are not new; my Nan is fully aware and has been since day one.

My guilt is nothing to do with “her”. I feel guilty for causing my Nan any hurt. Because, at the end of the day she is her mother and she will do anything for her daughter.

This has been a reoccurring event over the last few months. I have had to reiterate my position a number of times. Trying to maintain a relationship with my Nan is getting increasingly difficult. My Nan will fall out with “her” and then something materialistic will be exchanged and all is forgotten, yet again my Nan has let “her” get away with her behaviour.

I feel NOTHING towards “her” – My mother. I do not feel anything towards her because I do not know her.

Just to clarify, the illness my Nan referred to is a chest infection which is being treated with antibiotics. I know from my own experience that these can be very bad, however, in light of the current situation wish that George’s parent’s condition was as easily treatable.

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