18th August ‘18 – I am back.

It has been 44 days since I last wrote on my blog.

Firstly, I want to apologise for the silence. The last 44 days have been quite difficult, so please bear with me as this could be a lengthy one…

On Saturday 7th July it had been arranged that I would be able to visit my brother for the first time in months. I was allowed to see him for an hour. I was so nervous; I didn’t know how he would react or if he would decide on the day that he didn’t want to see me. My nan, Eve, picked me up at 10:50. We drove to pick James up from his friend’s house I explained to my nan that I was nervous and how I was unsure if it was a good idea to meet at “her” house as it would bring those terrible memories flooding back. It was too late to change plans so I just had to stay as strong as possible. James’ grin was huge he came running towards me and nearly knocked me off my feet. I couldn’t believe he was so much taller than me, he is going to be a giant by the time he has finished growing. He looked at me and whispered “where has my big sister disappeared to? You are the size of a little sister!” with a long pause he then tried to pick me up and of course he could! We got back in the car and drove towards the house. My emotions were all over the place, he wasn’t a little boy anymore, he was happy to see me, what had he been told by “her”? Will he tell “her” everything that I say? He didn’t look like James; he had been changed by “her”. I just had to take deep breaths and make the most out of the hour I had to spend with him. We parked up outside the house, I felt sick. As we walked down the driveway I could feel the heat of the panic rise, I was shivering again. I felt James’ hand wrap around mine. He knew how I felt, he could sense my fear. My little dog came to the door tail wagging, paws bouncing he couldn’t believe I was there. James and I sat down with Arthur, my dog, we just hugged for as long as we could and as hard as possible until one of us had to escape to breathe. He wanted to give me a grand tour of the house, he wanted to point out all the things that had changed since I had left. He now had a “grown up” room, my room had been stripped bare, there was still that unwelcoming feel to the house, it felt so claustrophobic. I was trying so hard to not let it impact on the precious time I had to spend with my not so little man. We ended up doing the things we always used to do, I trimmed his finger nails and toe nails, I tidied his bedroom, I helped him pick an outfit out for his “date”. We sat and talked on the stairs, he told me he understood why I had gone and he wished he could have come with me. He knows how hard it was and that he hates the way I was treated. It was so hard for me to hear that coming from my 11-year-old brother. Time went by so quickly and before I knew it, it was time to go back. We returned James to his friend’s house, it was emotional saying goodbye and not knowing when I would see him again. I tried to make it easier for him, telling him he would only have to call me and we could arrange something. I went back home cherishing the single photo my brother had allowed me to take. I spent the rest of the weekend reminiscing on the good times I had spent with him hoping that they would block out all the painful ones.

A couple of days later, July 9th, I had a routine doctor’s appointment. My nan was insistent on taking me and discussing my current situation with my Dr. She was concerned about my weight loss, the tablets my Psychiatrist had prescribed, my hair falling out etc. To be honest there was a whole multitude of things that were on her agenda. To her disappointment my Dr isn’t a great talker, he was happy with the prescription, he wouldn’t weigh me as he didn’t think I looked gravely underweight and he said hair loss could be in my genes. I returned home and started to work.

I heard a knock at the front door it must have been around midday. I contemplated not answering as I wasn’t really feeling up to having a conversation with anyone as I had been tackling Excel spreadsheets and crappy formulas for nearly 3 hours straight. But, I forced myself and walked downstairs. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw my dad standing on the driveway. I was speechless. I just reached out and hugged him. He had brought some of my gardening equipment that he had saved from “her” last clear out. We stood and talked for 5 minutes discussing how my brother was since I saw him a few days earlier, why I was at home and not at work. I just informed him that I had been to a routine doctors apt, nothing serious and it had all gone well. He then started saying how he couldn’t see himself being with “her” much longer, she is making everyone miserable, she reacts to the smallest things and he just hasn’t got the strength to live with it much longer. I had to switch off, I couldn’t listen to it again knowing full well he won’t leave her and he has been saying it for the last 10 years. Then he said that he knew about my doctor’s appointment my nan had told “her” and she had said that I was a hypochondriac, attention seeking… I wasn’t going to react. I gave him a final hug, told him I loved him and that I hope everything gets sorted. I kept thinking how strange, why today? How did he know I was home? And then it all made sense, my nan had informed “her” of my doctors apt and had told her the detail of my visit and mentioned that I was working at home for the rest of the day. I decided to take advantage of the weather and had my lunch outside, it was lovely to sit outside listening to the birds sing and the trees sway in the breeze. Then the silence was broken with the sound of my name being barked through the living room window. I dropped my mug of tea on the patio, it shattered on impact. I ran into the living room to see my auntie peering through the window. “What have you been doing, we have been worried, you weren’t answering your phone! Your dad has told “her” that you weren’t at home, he knocked but there was no answer… your nan thought you had done something stupid…overdosed or something!”. I just froze with shock, I managed to utter a few mumbled words, “I spoke to him! I gave him a hug! I told him I loved him!” I could feel my anger rising, how could he do this to me? How could he be so scared of her that he can’t even admit he had seen me let alone spoken to me. I called my nan immediately to ask her why she had told them in the first place. I was so shaky; I knew I needed to calm myself down otherwise I would end up having a panic attack again. I knew the only way I could calm myself down was to distract myself with work. This had become my well-practiced distraction technique. Earphones in, music on, head down. I worked solidly until 4:30pm. I put my pyjamas on and decided I was just going to hibernate to get over yet another screwed up Monday. Just before 5pm my dad called me, of course I answered. My gut was telling me this wasn’t going to end well, and my gut feeling was right. The words came flowing out, he was being “her” puppet “I will tell you what to say Nick, you just say it!”. “Hi, it’s your dad… is everything ok? I was just wondering why you didn’t answer the door this morning…how did everything go at the doctors…what did you say to them? Your nan has said to your mum that you say she is the reason for your problems, this isn’t true is it? You haven’t told the doctor it’s your mum have you?…” I just wanted to disappear – I was torn between being honest or protecting him. I simply responded “Dad, you know you saw me, I hugged you, you know you spoke to me, I said I loved you and you know she is the reason for my problems.” I ended the phone call. I knew full well she would have been listening. I started to panic, I instantly felt immense regret and shame. I just threw my dad under the bus, I didn’t protect him. I started to hyperventilate. I then felt my phone vibrate. Dad – Text Message – I am on my way to your house with Peter – Peter, was a mutual friend of me and “her”, he chose her side when I left, he was the replacement for me, her new “child”. I called my Aunt and asked her to come to pick me up, I couldn’t be there when they arrived, I was already in the middle of an attack. I knew George would also be on his way home, and I really didn’t want him to come home to see them in his house. I wouldn’t be able to stop George from reacting. My mind was racing, I knew I needed to get out. I knew I needed to tell George not to go home. I called George and told him to meet me at my nans house. Of course he wanted to know why and he could sense my attack, he knew it would involve “her”. He finally stopped asking me why and agreed to meet me at my nans. I saw my aunt pull up, I shut the door and we drove off…I realised I hadn’t locked the back door, I had left it wide open. Knowing what Peter was like I knew he would probably go round the back of the house and let himself in. I had no other option but to go back and face them.  I got out of the car and walked straight past them both, my dad followed me into the house. He was talking but I just couldn’t hear, I was trying to protect myself. He would only be making excuses for his actions. My life has been built on lies and excuses I just couldn’t take anymore. I told him he had to leave, this is George’s house and he had no right to be there. I walked calmly to the front door. As I stepped outside he turned to me “Millie, you can’t blame your mother, she has loved you…” I turned around to face him and I could feel the tears blurring my vision, I found my voice from somewhere “I am the one who has asked for help, I am the one paying £300 per therapy session, I am the one who needs the help because of the so called “love” she has shown me. That woman doesn’t know how to love, she knows how to manipulate, control and suffocate me and you know that every word I have just said is the truth. She loves you just as much as she loved me, the difference is I escaped. You never protected me, I ask you to just protect James.” I got back into the car and we left. I arrived at my nans to find that the news had already reached “her” and she was now being verbally aggressive on the phone to her own mother. People rarely stand up to “her”, I am one of the few. But, that evening my nan found the fire from somewhere to tell “her” what she truly thought of her actions towards me. By the time the phone call had ended some truths had been told to “her” and she spat her violent responses right back. After this phone call neither of them spoke to each other for 4 weeks. They broke their silence shortly before my nans birthday. For 4 weeks my nan looked younger, she hadn’t got the weight of the world on her shoulders, she didn’t have to ask permission to go to places, she didn’t have to be the one stuck in the middle. However, my nan is a decent mother she forgives and accepts apologies even if she knows they are not truly sincere. She will always try to see the best in her daughter. In her eyes life is far too short to fight. You put your differences aside and you agree to move on. She knows it won’t be long before the battle lines are drawn once again. But, for now my nan is in contact with “her” and my nan will always be the loophole for “her” to pass through and gain an insight into my life. The trust between me and my nan is currently fractured so I have to be very careful what I say as I don’t want her accidentally passing information on. I am also having to limit my visits as my nan has now started talking about “her” openly when I am there. I don’t need or want to hear about “her”. I have made the decision to cut all contact for a reason not for the fun of it. By cutting her out I have lost my little man I just hope one day he may forgive me for leaving him behind.

What a month hey!

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